Why do you want to adopt THREE kids?

I was faced with this question again recently.  It wasn’t the first time, and I’m guessing it won’t be the last.  Sadly, it is sometimes asked with doubt or ridicule, but mostly from those with sincere wonder.  When asked, I sort of freeze.  How do I even answer that question?  There is no simple answer that is going to make sense to the questioner.  Half the time it doesn’t make sense to me!  If I say, “God has called us to these kids,” we sometimes get the blank stare or rolled eyes as if we’re in a crazy cult, and I’m about to ask them to come to a worship rally where they will be asked to adopt three kids too. 

The immediate answer is “I don’t know.”  Does a mother having triplets WANT to have triplets?  I know the answer I might get to that – “Well, those are her biological kids.”  But do you really think she put in an order for 3? A woman having triplets will love and care for her children even though she never imagined having three at once.  My adopted children are no less mine than if I birthed them.

And even though my answer is “I don’t know,” here is what I do know….

*I know I met our 3 sons Wilnes, Wendy, and Woody 3 years ago this February. 

*I know when their hearts met mine I was their mama.

*I know I am scared, because parenting will be hard. 

*I know people will question our interracial family. 

*I know people will question our ability to handle this.

*I know we will not have to do this alone. 

*I know I am a good Mom.  I know Todd is a good Dad. 

*I know we love those boys so much that it just flows out my eyes most days.   

*I know we are sad, because there are three people missing from our table. 

*I know that three years of waiting has felt like ten. 

*I know my heart aches to be with them.

*I know Who holds tomorrow. 

We did not seek out to adopt three kids, so we may never have an answer for the question.  But I think what I can now answer is, “It never felt like a choice. Wilnes, Woody, and Wendy are our sons.  That is why we are adopting them.”  I mean, just look at our family picture – it sort of feels like it answers the question on its own. 

And now to the “WHEN?”  Still wishing we had an answer to that.  Even though we have moved to a very important stage of the process, we are now waiting for a signature to move forward again.   If you would like to pray with our family about this, please pray for a certain woman’s heart and hand to be swift in signing our documents for our three children.  Even with that signature it won’t be time for them to come home, but it will move us closer.

A quick update on our Christmas visit – the boys were THRILLED to decorate ornaments and a tree and have their very own stockings.  They rearranged the nativity scene every day, which I thought was pretty insightful since Baby Jesus must have had lots of visitors in and out -probably the way it feels in their creche (where they live is called a creche, which we learned is another word for nativity).  It was the first time for all of us to be together as a family since April 2011.  It felt right.  It felt peaceful.  It felt hopeful.  

Long Distance Parenting

There’s a confusion that sets in – when you have become parents, but not yet “parenting.”  Our children are an ocean away.  We look at their pictures, laugh at the videos, and talk about all the things we’re going to do with them when they’re with us.  We’ve been doing that for 2.5 years.  I have a new found respect for all parents – the ones with their children under their roof, ones with children in other places, or ones who are waiting for children in some way.  There is much confusion about parenting, especially when you have absolutely zero control.  I am guessing this time in our lives is preparing us for the reality that at some point our boys will need to be individuals- facing their own battles, learning their own lessons, making their own decisions.  But at 9 and 13?  Every day I am with them in Haiti, they ask “you leave tomorrow, Mom?”  Every day is a preparation for the most devastating pain of separation.  Each of us psyche ourselves up for the heartache and let down – like when we ask God for that one thing we need really bad, testifying that we’ll stop sinning and cussing if we could just get it NOW (whole-heartedly knowing we won’t get it right away).  That’s where we all are now.  We’re dancing to Michael Jackson songs one minute, singing Dixie Chicks “Godspeed” as we lay our heads down at night, and praying each time that God sees our desperate plea to be together – these boys are Ramey boys. They are Todd and Laura’s boys.

My friends tell me about their biological children and how they exhibit so much of each of them – look like them, act like them, have similar personalilties. Well, our boys don’t look like us, but they are Rameys/Melroses.  Wilnes makes friends with everyone.  He likes to tell people about Jesus.  When he’s sad, he can’t contain it – he’ll find a place away from everyone to get it all out.  And he can’t wait to learn something new. Woody is quiet yet knows exactly when to speak up.  He has the voice of an angel and takes pride in owning his Mama’s Bible.  He sometimes has a slight stutter – his sweet anxious moments are evident of his desire to do something well. Wendy wants to be friends with everyone and be happy all the time.  He wants to dance, sing, eat a lot, put on sunglasses, and laugh. And together, wow, I have never seen brothers be such a team. They work together in such a precious way. They really look out for each other. They are genuinely concerned for each other and their family.

I know we slack on blog posts.  To be honest, we feel discouraged not having any updates – everyone wants to know when they will be home.  We do too.  While we still believe our children will be with us, we are exhausted and frustrated.  We have tried to keep recent posts more about them – so you can get to know them as we do.  However, this post is more about sharing our very desperate and broken hearts.  It may be really more for us than anyone else.  And someday we want our boys to know this part of the story too. 

If you’ve followed our story from the first post, then you know we’ve known our sons for about 2.5 years now and have been in the process of adopting them for almost 2 years.  People keep asking why it’s taking us so long.  It’s complicated to answer, but the short version of the story is we are stuck because of an antiquated law in Haiti that states adoptive parents must be 35 and married 10 years.  We moved forward with our process, first and foremost, because we know these are our sons and are willing to fight for them.  Second, we had knowledge that previous “underage” families made it through the process with Presidential Dispensation as long as they were found fit to adopt.  Third, we were told the law has been on the table to be changed (age 30, married 5 years).  Between those three things the only thing we know for sure is we are still fighting. 

So, what do we do in the meantime? What do we tell our boys? What do we tell people who ask?  We aren’t posting from a place of hopelessness, but more in a place of desperately seeking prayers and support from people who love our children and want them home as much as we do.  We still BELIEVE.  We know the timing will be right, but we also get so tired of hearing that – “It’s all in God’s timing.” We know that.  Yes, we trust God’s timing and His care for them while we wait.  At the same time, we hurt.  We are sad.  We are grieving for our children.  And it dawned on me recently, that’s what God knows most about.  Not only did he sacrifice His son, but he watches all of His children struggle and hurt daily.  He is not physically with us, but He is always present.  I really can trust that He knows our hurting parent hearts.  He knows our boys’ hurting hearts.  He knows all the reasons why we are stuck.   He knows the time when we will be in joyful celebration of bringing our sons home.  So, we put our hope in that.  We keep believing.  We keep going to visit them and reminding them they are our precious sons, but most importantly, they are God’s children.  And so are we.   He does not leave any of us as orphans. 

I am attaching a link to a friend’s blog here.  Their family is in the same situation (under 35) and adopting from the same orphanage as our boys.  She was recently asked, “so when will you give up?”  Her response is beautiful, so I wanted to share it here in case any of you have wondered this about the Rameys.  We share her heart on this.  There will be no giving up.  

A beautiful start to 2012

“Manman, ou bel!”  I lit up every time one of my sweet boys said this to me.  In Creole, this means, “Momma, you are beautiful!”  I was spoiled by their sweetness and totally immersed in their smiles and laughter for 5 straight days – what a gift.  The only bad part was that Todd couldn’t be with us.  In fact, the second thing Wilnes said to me after I arrived was “Where is my Daddy?”  (the first was, “Hello, Momma”).  So, yes, Wilnes now speaks a lot of English!  I am just so proud of him.  I am excited to send updates on the boys and my last visit...

Wilnes – what a sweet and grown up young man!  He never ceases to melt my heart.  He is so tender and kind to his little brothers and the other children at the orphanage.  He serves as the translator for all of us, which I think he enjoys – like he’s the conduit for everyone.  I had so many special moments with him watching him be this gentle yet brave boy.   I can still hear him shouting out in excitement when he wanted me to come see something – “MOM!” Not mommy or momma, but MOM!  Such a teenager, and I love it.  Because he can now speak English, I was very intentional about explaining the “wait” and the “process” to him – assuring him we very much want to bring him home with us but that we have to wait for certain things to happen – and he would nod with understanding as I explained, yet still have tears filling up in his eyes – to which I would validate and say, “yes, mom gets sad too, and that’s okay. But we can have hope, and that’s what I hang onto.”  I wrote in all their journals before I left  - Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope.  Be patient in tribulation.  Be constant in prayer.” 

Woody – He has really opened up!  My usually shy and quiet kid – he was super talkative – even sharing some of the English he had learned like, “Thank you so much – I love you!”  And apparently he likes to sing and dance too – what a sweet voice!  He loves to sing “Yes, Lord.”  He told me he wants to be an aviator when he grows up.  He was super excited when I told him his PaPa (my Daddy) is a pilot!  He had airplanes on his favorite pair of pajama pants he wore every night.   On the day I was leaving he said in Creole (Wilnes translated), “Momma, I don’t want to go to school today. I want to stay with you.”  Ah – broke my heart!

Wendy – As creative and playful as ever, I was woken up each morning around 5:30am to his whispered request, “Momma, music?”  To which I would reply, “Momma dome (sleep).”   He wants music playing 24/7, and he’s quite particular about it – if I chose something with not quite enough groove, he would hold his hand up, close his eyes, and shake his head “no.”  And if I chose a song that was just right, his eyes would light up and those hips would start shaking.   Never-ending entertainment I tell ya.  One time he was going on and on about something in Creole, and Ms. Claudette (Dr. B’s wife) said, “oh, do you know what he say?  He say ‘momma, if you let me go swimming, God will bless you!’”  yep, he’s going to be THAT son. 

As far as the “process” – yes, we know, the question everyone wants answered is “When do they come home?”  We want that question answered more than anyone.  Unfortunately we do not have any further news, but we do know a very important age requirement law (lowering the age of adoptive parents) is close to being passed that will hopefully move us along.   We will most certainly send an update as things progress.   We just keep hoping and believing and welcome your prayers for our sweet family.  Todd will go for a visit in April (dates not determined yet), so there will be more fun memories and pics to share then! 

Get to know the boys

Wilnes

He is the oldest of our sons.  He is 12 and will be 13 on Jan 29.  He is so smart and wants to keep learning things.  When Laura observed him in school he was on the front row of the class and writing things in his notebook fervently.  When we are together he draws pictures and does math problems.  He also likes to take the Iphone and play with apps or listen to music.  He chose to listen to Coldplay (smart kid). He is so quiet and sweet.  He keeps his brothers in line, and we hear that he is also very nurturing of the babies and younger children in the orphanage.  His favorite color is blue, and he likes to play soccer, basketball, and dominoes.

Woody

 He is one of our twins.  He is 8 and will be 9 on Jan 8.  These twins could not be more opposite! Woody is rarely in pictures, or when he is, it is much like what you see here - in action!  He is quiet like big bro Wilnes, but in a shy way.  He keeps to himself but laughs a lot, especially at his twin brother.  He would often choose country music on the Iphone - we found him digging Gary Allan and Alan Jackson.  His favorite color is green, and he likes to play football and dominoes and sing "Waka Waka (this time for Africa)" by Shakira.

Wendy

The other of our twins, he is 8 and will be 9 on Jan 8.  He LOVES to be in pictures, unlike bro.  If there is a camera, he's in front of it.  He is a dancing machine, and if you check out a previous post, you'll find him dancing to Kings of Leon.  He is not into sports like his brothers, but he does dig a good game of dominoes like they do.  He laughs a lot and makes others a laugh a lot.  He's got a crazy good hug.  His favorite color is red, and his favorite thing is smiling.








Photos courtesy of our friends at Carpe Diem Photo Video

Waiting

We know it's been a long time since our last post.  The truth is, we keep hoping we'll have an update to share before posting again.  The big question we always get - "so when do you get your boys?"  We wish we had an answer to that.  We are in a season of waiting, and until now, I thought "waiting" was a passive experience.  I kept looking for something to "do" to make this go faster or to not be sitting still.  However, I am learning that waiting is more active than I ever imagined.  Waiting requires prayer, faith, grieving, trust, preparing a home, adjusting a budget to include 3 more people, and so many more things.  Waiting is not easy.  I started reading a book called "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, and it's providing me many gentle reminders about the process of cocooning...and the beautiful timing of the "birth" of the new. 


In the meantime, we continue to get monthly email updates on the boys' weight and height, along with a picture - most recent one above.  We finally learned their birthdays too! 

Wilnes - Jan 29, 1999
Woody and Wendy - Jan 8, 2003

Some cool things about these dates - we started dating on Jan 29, 2003 - the day of Wilnes' bday and the year the twins were born.  It is so crazy when I think about where we were in that time of our lives and how God already had a very special 4 yr old and newborn baby boys that would be ours! Jan 29 is also Todd's grandparents', Art and MaryBeth Garwood, wedding anniversary.  It has certainly become a day in our family to celebrate love!

So, that's where we are for now.  We are grateful for your prayers in this waiting process of becoming mommy and daddy to these incredibly special young men.

Peak into Parenthood

It’s been a week since our children ran into our arms on the side of the street in Port-au-Prince.  We had not seen them in so long, and this trip was particularly important, because they were being transferred into the care of our lawyer and his orphanage.  All our paperwork is turned in, our children are in their “new” temporary orphanage, and now we all wait to be reunited once the IBESR in Haiti approves us to be their parents.  We are told this could take up to 2 years.  It could be, and we obviously pray for, less than 2 years.  Our hearts are heavy and long to be with them.  The 1.5 days we got to spend with them on this last trip was worth every tear that was shed by all of us upon departure.

We made so many wonderful memories, and we were also given insight and small bits of preparation for being parents to three boys.  This first lesson came within 30 minutes of having the boys with us when Wendy, the second born of the twins, announced, “Laura, pee pee.”  So, we asked our driver to pull over while all 3 boys hopped out, with Papa Blanc (Todd) supervising, and took to their business on the side of a busy Haitian street.  

More precious and funny memories…

-They can eat – A LOT.  The twins got thirds, sometimes fourths, when we sat down to each meal.  Wilnes is content with one plate, but we get the feeling he could and would eat more, but he makes sure others get enough.  We would give them candy or snacks throughout the day, which they would eat immediately or hide some place where they could enjoy it later.  Todd found a packet of sweet tarts in his shoe. 

-We were all giddy at bedtime.  It was our first time to all stay in one room together as a family.  Conveniently, there was a double bed and 3 twin beds in our room.  We read in the Bible (Jeremiah 29:11) and said a prayer before bedtime.  Wilnes said the most beautiful prayer in Creole.  We are not sure what all he said, but it was long and passionately spoken like his Mama Blanc (Laura).  They all slept with the monkeys we gave them (manca in Creole) and the covers over their heads – so cute.  Wendy got up in the middle of the night 3 times to say, “Laura, pee pee.”  I think it’s the only English he knows. 

-We are surprised at how self-sufficient they really are.  They immediately knew to brush their teeth when they woke up in the morning.  And watching them line up at the sink together was adorable. They had toothpaste dripping down their shirts and were so excited to have clean teeth.

-When we asked them if they wanted to take a shower, they got very excited.  I think this only happens a few times a week at their prior orphanage, so they were eager to be clean and use a “real shower.”  Todd supervised and said it was the cutest thing to watch their system.  Wilnes started with the washcloth and washed his front side.  Then, he handed the cloth off to Woody who cleaned Wilnes’ back then his own front.  Then, he handed it off to Wendy who followed suit.  True brothers helping each other out and literally “having each other’s backs.”

-Most of our daytime was spent playing basketball, soccer, dominoes, listening to music, dancing, and singing.  They also each took countless photos of just about anything around them.  They got a kick out of taking our iPhones and picking out music.  An attached video below shows Wendy especially enjoying this.  Their personalities are so different, yet each so special.  Wilnes is very curious and wants to learn everything he can.  He figured out how to open the Byki app on my iPhone and started teaching himself English.  He is very responsible and a good caretaker of his little brothers.  Woody does not talk much and would have a ball in his hands at all times – football, basketball, soccer ball, whatever.  If it kicked, threw, or bounced he had it.  He laughs a lot at his twin brother.  Wendy is a clown and never stops performing (again, see the attached video).   He is always smiling or laughing.  We can already see the “scholar, athlete, performer” roles emerging in them.

One of the most precious and tangible memories we have is a picture Wilnes drew.  As a counselor and having worked with children, I understand the power of what children draw.  Without any direction from us, Wilnes took my notebook and drew a picture of a house with all of us inside.  We were a family.  We look at his drawing often and pray for this time to come very soon.

While it was extremely hard to say goodbye again, we feel much peace about where they are in the meantime.  We became friends with Dr. Bernard’s daughters, Argentine and Stephanie, who also served as our Sweet Sleep team translators on this trip.  They have already emailed us to let us know they sit and visit with our boys often.  They write, “your boys miss you and say they love you soooooo much.”  What a blessing to know these sweet young women are a loving presence for our boys while we cannot be.  Please continue to pray along with us that Wilnes’ drawing will come true soon.  Thank you for supporting our family.

The First Trimester

Hey friends, Laura here.  I'll just get right to it...

I've never been pregnant.  I have no clue what it might be like.  I have friends who tell me what it's like, so I have some indication that even an adoption journey is like being pregant.  There's a few differences that no one warned me about...especially when you've already met your children.   My very dear friend Jenny Black recently told me, "You have held your babies.  And today your arms are empty.  They are not gone forever. But they are gone from you today.  How would I feel in that same situation? Heartbroken, lonely, aching for my little ones."  That's exactly it.  I have met and held my children. And now I wait for them to be here with us.

On this day 34 years ago, March 4, 1977, my parents gave birth to my older sister, Amy Michelle Melrose.  They gave her back to Jesus soon after.  I have no idea what that must have felt like.  I have heard my Mom talk about that day and how she had never felt so sad, yet so close to Jesus as He came to hold her after she lost her daughter.  She shared how she felt His physical presence with her and an indescribable peace.  God knows exactly what it feels like to grieve for your children in whatever circumstance.  

Today, 34 years after the birth of Amy,  I was rushing around downtown Nashville trying to get notary certifications and "authentications of certifications" for our adoption paperwork.   Basically, you get signatures that say the previous signatures are valid.  I am usually angry and irritated in those types of circumstances. I fought for parking, walked a million blocks, showed my ID more times than being in an airport, and had unwelcomed contact with disgruntled state workers.  Today was different.   I happily ran from building to building gathering the official documentation that would bring my children home.  It was exhausting, yet precious and extremely peaceful.  I appreciate my mother more today than ever.

So, it's all here - all the documents with signatures of signatures verifying we are able to adopt.   Now it all just has to be translated into French.  Ha! No kidding.  Off to the second trimester...